A couple of weeks ago, I caught the Farrah Fawcett documentary that dealt with her cancer. I was surprised at how emotionally drained I felt after watching it. This documentory showed her going to Germany to get alternative treatments because she didn't want to have a colostomy. Many parts of it reminded me of what my mom went through such as her first diagnosis which was to have portions of her jaw removed with the tumor and that would mean a feeding tube for awhile. Much like Farrah, she went a different route but without the tunnel vision that some people, like Farrah, have.
Also, this documentary was on at a bad time. The weekend before, Dan, a coworker of mine, died at the age of 33 after a rather aggressive bout of liver cancer. He went in with pains in his abdomen, doctors thought it was a gall bladder, a month later when he was still having them, they discovered that tumors covered half of his liver and part of his colon which was then removed. Much like Farrah (and unlike my mom), he went through chemotherapy which while supposedly was to help the liver, did more damage to his healthy parts like his kidneys. He was jaundiced from the chemotherapy on the liver and his kidneys were shutting down. Early on, he was very gung ho about curing this even though at this point it was Stage 4. Again much like Farrah. He didn't want to know the odds and he even started believing in God during these couple of months which surprised a lot of people (especially Big A but as I told him, he doesn't necessarily believe. He just has to have hope of some kind with something that's bigger than him or the doctors) and wearing shirts that said 'Failure is not an option'. Eventually, he was ready to stop everything and die. Farrah is still in a sedated state with her tumor back in its original spot and supposedly still wanting to fight the good fight. The part that broke my heart was when her son came in and she didn't recognize him. His weeping at finally seeing and realizing the truth was real and it was painful to watch because I remember that moment when I could no longer ignore the truth with my mom too.
I'm lucky that I'm not in their shoes as of yet but this inability to see what is really happening at this stage and accepting it and instead, focusing all of your energy on "beating cancer" is something I can't fathom and I hope should my time come that I remain more realistic. Not fighting it doesn't necessarily mean you're giving in. I think I'd rather go out after doing months of things I love and seeing people I love rather than vomiting in a dish, turning yellow, numerous operations, and slowly realizing that all this was for naught.
I can't say that my mom's choice of not doing anything really bothered me. I don't think either of my brothers are angry about her choice either. I have a card still that I wrote to her after her diagnosis in which I attempted to talk her into it but I think it was out of my own selfish fear of her dying more than anything else. When I reflect back on those 3 months or so when she really needed us, it was crazy, it was stressful but generally, I don't really remember those times. What I do remember was that it was beautiful. To understand that is to have gone through it and I hope soon that Dan's wife and Farrah's son (and I suppose Ryan O'Neal too although I really dislike him) can look back and see it too.
4 comments:
I'm sorry about your coworker and your mother-I didn't see the Farrah show, but have heard a lot of folks talk about it. Some people need to fight despite the odds, others seem to be more easy with letting go.
I think if I had lived a full life up to that point and my kids were all grown and my husband already deceased, I would just let go on my own terms. At this stage in my life with a three year old and still relatively newly married, I would choose to fight at least until I felt that I couldn't anymore.
Cancer is such a horrible disease and among all of them, I hope that somebody finds the cure for it.
Thanks for considering me grown, Ed. :-)
I'm trying to find out where my line is. I think if I was told that whatever I had was Stage 4, I wouldn't bother. Stage 1, I might bother.
I think I have to say I'd agree with Ed on this one.
Have you seen "The Bucket List?" It's all great in theory, doing everything you have ever wanted to do, but the reality is that most of us don't have and never will have that kind of money. You have to compromise somewhere.
Sorry to hear about your Mom. It sounds like she made the right decision for her, and that's what is important.
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