Ever since my mother died in late 1999, I've felt a sense of freedom. I thought maybe it was just me and how she always over-protected me while my brothers got away with a lot more but while on the tour of the Margaret Mitchell house in Atlanta back in May, our tour guide was talking about Margaret's sense of freedom after her mother died and she included her own two cents about the freedom that came after her own mom passed away. She made a comment to the effect that probably no one in the group of 15 people understood...but there was at least one. Me.
I've certainly made mistakes since 1999 but I love it because they are my mistakes to make and to learn from. I remember a discussion a few years ago over dinner between my cousin, Big A, and myself. My cousin basically said that she was surprised that I could function as an adult. She didn't use quite those words but that's what I heard. Everyone always underestimated me or assumed I liked being over-protected. That was really, really not the case. I remember in the fall of 1999 when my mom's tumor was getting larger and she was in the soft food stage that she still tried it. I don't know when she was snooping in my stuff but the moment she revealed something that she would only know by doing so, the uncooked spaghetti hit the wall. Literally. It was my breaking point.
Some stories related to my mother are tough to share because I worry that it will color the perception people might get of her. This is one of them. Generally we got along well and as I grew older, it became a bit less (other than the spaghetti incident). It's a tough topic and something I still wrestle with when I think about it (and being reminded of high school with the upcoming reunion does just that) and I sometimes ask myself a tough question: if I had a choice, would I want her back? If that was asked right after her death, I probably would have said yes. Now I hesitate. I like the me that I've become. After the fact, I like the stress that is being a first time homeowner and having to learn things by being thrown into the fire. Would she just let me be the me that I am now? Can I continue making my own mistakes and learning from them? I'm not sure she would...or I'd have to move to California like my older brother did after college when my dad was a bit overbearing with him. A bigger question should I become a parent: Can one just let their child be who they are without them worrying about "parental disapproval" or does that come with the package? Is that 'roots and wings' belief just a nice quote and an unattainable philosophy?
Ironically while all this has been running through my head lately, 'Second Chance' by Shinedown has been played regularly on the radio. Check it oot.
Perfect.
9 comments:
I actually think it's great that you recognize that your Mom wasn't perfect. A lot of the time, we tend to make the dead out to be saints or something akin to them, when in fact, they were only human once.
Liking who you are now doesn't mean you loved your mom any less.
PS: Good to see you back. I was wondering where you had been lately!
good thoughts--I'll be dealing a lot with those "Mom questions" over the next week.
Hello Murph
I too am glad to see you back.
When you read this, I will be 57 years of age. Do I know what I want to do when I grow up?
NO I DON'T
But,
Same holds true for many a parent.
If we are true and honest in our desires for our children; we will wish that they exceed our (the parents) place in life. Some push too hard, some not hard enough.
Who's to know how much is too much?
As TC said, our Moms and Dads weren't perfect. They are only human as we all are.
That's why I love people watching.
TC - Thanks! I have drafts of blog entries in my head but just haven't felt like sitting down and writing. I call this The Curse of Facebook since I can be quick and glib there but here it usually takes more time. Heck, I nearly missed Seinfeld while writing it.
Sage - I hope you share some of that. It will be interesting to see it from the son's perspective.
Sotamies - I thought your people watching was limited to young slender women in short skirts. :-)
I guess looking back, my parents seemed to be the right mix of over protective and letting me make my own mistakes. I couldn't wait to leave home and make those mistakes on my own but as I've gotten older and produced a child of my own, I certainly understand the over protective side a lot better. I just hope that I can have the same relationship with my daughter when she is older and on her own as I do with my parents now.
Welcome back by the way. Did you miss my diatribes on myself in your comments section?
Ed - I did. That was part of the reason why I wasn't in the mood to blog. What's the point if you aren't around to say things that make my head explode? :-)
I've been on the Margaret Mitchell house tour. I don't remember that part. Of course, it's quite possible I wasn't paying any attention.
I don't think my parents were overbearing. But it was a shock to wake up one day and realize they're only human. And I think as long as they live, in certain things, I will always be silently seeking their approval.
Video posted, then linked...It said MTv on that. Do they still play music? I thought it was all silly reality and game shows. Radio still lives.
This sort of made me reevaluate...Spelling?...the relationship with my step kids. I've got to let them be them. I've tried that. Being I've not lived with them in some years, that's easy. I try to mentor them and keep them encouraged. Still thining about that.
I know what you mean. I was really close to my cousin's daughter whose 11 years younger than me when she was growing up. I remember when she was in late high school telling me everything that she did with some guy in his truck. I appreciate the fact that she felt that open with me but I also appreciated that it was dark so she couldn't see me grimace.
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