On my floor, there are three bathrooms: one three-seater for women, one for men (who knows how many that can fit) and then a handicapped one-seater. I don't think I am as bad as the kid in American Pie who runs home whenever he has to go to the bathroom in a way that is synonymous with an even number... but I'm close. I need a space where at the very least, no one will identify me as the culprit of any unusual activity. I have only myself to blame. I think this is directly related to me being one to look at shoes on the person who is using the facilities next to me in this manner and recognizing them from their footwear later on. I don't out them publicly but when I see them around the office, I know what they just did. I refuse to be that person who is internally outed so thankfully, with the one-seater, I do not have to be that person. I can go freely in places like department stores or airports where I don't know anyone or even restaurants like Red Robin where they, bless their hearts, blare music in the bathroom. I've been known to go on vacation for 4 days and not have to worry about going in this manner at all. My cousin is still amazed from one such trip I took with her and her sister up north 15 years later. It is quite handy for purposes of traveling or my exquisite timing (I call it my "pre-flight ritual") that so far has enabled me to never use an airplane bathroom. *knock on wood* But I digress...
Two weeks ago, a pipe burst overhead in that one-seater bathroom making that and all the other one-seaters in the 5 floors directly below it out of order. This was a conundrum because should someone be in my one-seater, I go down a floor and use that one (and I discovered today, which was one such occasion, that I still have the talent of looking at the centimeter opening between the door and the latch and knowing that no one is in there). Luckily I made it through that day. My body must've known something was amiss because I made it through Day 2 as well but I knew that I would need an alternative location a.s.a.p., just in case. It was then that I had my light bulb moment: Go up a floor to see if that was closed due to the pipe bursting. I don't know anyone on that floor and they don't know me. Once I discovered that the one-seater was available there, all was well with the world again.
13 comments:
I remember once a group of us were staying in a hotel in Atlanta and I had eaten some (evidently) bad cajun food.
I refused to use the bathroom in the room and instead went down to the lobby to use the public restroom about four times that night.
But normally, I have no restroom quirks :)
Good grief!
At least Bone had read and commented on this post first, sparing me from having to go get the link to his post.
Bone - I knew I felt drawn to you for some reason. It's the restroom quirks! I think the womens bathroom is somewhat similar in that every other stall is the primary option with sitting next to someone as the last resort but I too would refrain from exiting unless a) everyone was out or b) there is a new group of people in the bathroom.
TC - I'm envious of you and your ability to just use the bathroom willy-nilly. ;-)
Bone - I forgot...how did you like the Seinfeld reference in the title? Wasn't it George that always needed a fresh, clean bowl?
First Bone reminded me of this quiz which every urinal savvy male aces but women get confused. Then I also remembered the following rules for pooping at work which seems to get forwarded to me about once a year and seem to be applicable to this post.
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it..
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise , the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work , following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting , you walk really fast around
the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff , but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom , leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee , do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a
man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop , several farts slip out at
a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen , do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall , to the sink , to the
door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts , it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY
FLUSH*.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work
and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs , remain in the stall
until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used
to cover-up a *WATERMELON* , or to alert potential *TURD
BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* , leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on , create a diversion. See
*CAMO-COUGH*.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,
trembling and purple from straining so hard.
* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block
before you poop.
*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush , it's still floating
in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.
*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.
*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on
the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits
you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And
when you flush the toilet , you watch in horror as the water
starts to rise...
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
For liquid waste removal, I've never Shirley Templed while in a stall with a door that doesn't lock completely (which must be mandatory in all bars) but I have Camo Coughed. Here I thought I was being original.
Like TC, I'm glad Bone went first, as he seems to be the other expert on this subject. As for me, I think I coming down with a case of TMI...
My goal is to one day get up the courage so that when someone comes up and starts using the urinal right next to me, I can turn to them and yell, "Are you out of your freaking mind!?"
I don't remember a clean bowl for George. I remember he knew the locations of all the best public restrooms in the city, liked to read in there, and removed his pants so that he could feel unfettered.
Oh yeah...I forgot about the complete pant removal. That's funny. :-D
Sage - You only say that because you are lucky enough to have your own bathroom at work while the rest of us have to make do with using it among the masses.
I donno 'bout "willy nilly," but I don't have the issues ya'll seem to have.
If you're looking for someone else who would fit in with you and Bone, I recommend visiting JC and searching "bathroom." There were too many posts to link.
Thanks, Chica. I'm a firm believer in unity in numbers so it's nice to see that I'm not the only one. :-)
George removed his shirt in the bathroom though not his pants, at least not entirely. I clearly remember the scene when he comes running out of the bathroom with pants around ankle and no SHIRT!
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